0:05 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome listener. 0:06 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm glad you're here. 0:08 [SPEAKER_00]: Take a seat. 0:10 [SPEAKER_00]: Next to the fire. 0:14 [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Obscura, where we shine a light on the dark. 0:42 [SPEAKER_00]: Pennsylvania, February 29th, 2008, 522 days until disaster. 0:50 [SPEAKER_00]: The fallen video was uploaded to George Alfred Soadini's YouTube channel. 0:55 [SPEAKER_00]: It is titled How George Pittsburgh Lives. 0:59 [SPEAKER_02]: This is my house from the street. 1:02 [SPEAKER_02]: Here is my car. 1:04 [SPEAKER_02]: This is a two-bedroom brick ranch. 1:14 [SPEAKER_00]: I paid $79,000 for this, in 1996, that's considered a lot. 1:35 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, he's spent a lot of money on the home when he purchased it. 1:38 [SPEAKER_00]: When he pointed out his vehicle in the drive, he made sure to point out the year of the car. 1:44 [SPEAKER_00]: Lastly, he assumed that he drove an older model. 1:47 [SPEAKER_00]: Believe it or not. 1:50 [SPEAKER_02]: Hey, we're approaching the door. 1:58 [SPEAKER_02]: Open it up. 2:00 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, someone left it unlocked. 2:01 [SPEAKER_02]: That's not good. 2:08 [SPEAKER_02]: My big screen TV, 32-inch, it's my computer. 2:18 [SPEAKER_02]: Let me plan out a little bit. 2:21 [SPEAKER_02]: Computer is connected to the stereo, which I listened to my MP3s and everything else. 2:27 [SPEAKER_02]: Pan to the other side. 2:29 [SPEAKER_02]: Speaker is on each side or large. 2:31 [SPEAKER_02]: The double was end tables. 2:34 [SPEAKER_02]: It calts and chair, they match. 2:36 [SPEAKER_00]: George Sodini continues his house tour inside. 2:39 [SPEAKER_00]: The interior is as empty and featureless as its owner. 2:43 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a single far too small framed painting above his couch, other than this one piece of art, his walls are totally blank. 2:52 [SPEAKER_00]: Giving the home a vibe of not lived in, the layout is poorly organized. 2:57 [SPEAKER_00]: The computer is at the front entrance, directly facing the front door. 3:03 [SPEAKER_00]: in the couch has a blue and red flannel design. 3:06 [SPEAKER_00]: In my experience, most of my friends learned to decorate from the women in their lives. 3:11 [SPEAKER_00]: These women helped to progress them past the college dorm room school of interior decorating, much to Georgia's disappointment. 3:19 [SPEAKER_00]: This is a lesson he has never learned. 3:22 [SPEAKER_02]: The women will be really be impressed. 3:25 [SPEAKER_02]: Hey, come over here. 3:25 [SPEAKER_02]: There's some reading material that we're all familiar with. 3:31 [SPEAKER_00]: George shows off some reading material on the call of the table. 3:35 [SPEAKER_00]: One of the books is titled, Date Young Women, From Men Over 45. 3:40 [SPEAKER_00]: This book was written by Don Steele, a dating guru, had this incident taken place years in the future. 3:46 [SPEAKER_00]: George would have likely followed many of the plethora of dating gurus online that take advantage of young men. 3:53 [SPEAKER_00]: George is a sort of proto-elear Roger. 3:56 [SPEAKER_00]: He posted these videos during the early days of YouTube before the website truly exploded in popularity in the 2010s. 4:05 [SPEAKER_02]: Come out here through the dining room. 4:09 [SPEAKER_02]: I just brought this. 4:12 [SPEAKER_02]: A dining room set. 4:15 [SPEAKER_02]: Rugg? 4:16 [SPEAKER_00]: OK. A little hallway, two bedrooms. 4:19 [SPEAKER_00]: George's description of his own home continues into the realm of the uncanny. 4:24 [SPEAKER_00]: His descriptions of his dwelling are totally without character. 4:28 [SPEAKER_00]: He continues to describe his home in terms of what he's purchased for it, giving us early insight into why he repelled women. 4:37 [SPEAKER_02]: Two bedrooms to the right is my bedroom. 4:43 [SPEAKER_02]: extra computer here, they're networked. 4:45 [SPEAKER_02]: I'll show you the cat five connections downstairs. 4:50 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, there's looks pretty clean. 4:53 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm sure she'll be impressed. 4:55 [SPEAKER_02]: Now this backbed room I use just for storage. 4:58 [SPEAKER_02]: The lot of junk here. 5:00 [SPEAKER_02]: And as we could see, uh, bottles of clone and spare change and shoebox full of old pictures and photographs and stuff and 5:12 [SPEAKER_02]: Come over here and there's CDs in the all kinds of electronic gear, a bought since joining the list, tapes and so on. 5:21 [SPEAKER_00]: Every item in his home could be purchased from an office supply store, black metal racks full of blank CDs and tapes, stacks of printer paper, pen refills, sticky notes, a computer in both the front entrance of his home and his bedroom, this is the living space of someone 5:41 [SPEAKER_00]: Never developed his personality beyond pure function. 5:45 [SPEAKER_00]: I imagine most of his colon can be acquired through a drugstore, the music, your usual dad rock, the Eagles, Journey. 5:55 [SPEAKER_02]: Hey, Pan, pan out a little bit. 5:58 [SPEAKER_02]: Take a quick walk through back here through the living room the hallway. 6:02 [SPEAKER_02]: Here's the kitchen. 6:04 [SPEAKER_02]: Still, encounter and everything I need. 6:09 [SPEAKER_02]: Just clean it up. 6:10 [SPEAKER_02]: All the cover space I need. 6:16 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, I like here. 6:17 [SPEAKER_02]: You just come out here. 6:18 [SPEAKER_02]: There's a room with a view. 6:21 [SPEAKER_02]: My backyard and everything. 6:23 [SPEAKER_00]: The kitchen is as featureless as the rest of the home, a cutting board rests on the counter, in a way that looks staged for the video. 6:31 [SPEAKER_00]: There's no oven mitts, no cloth hanging over the stove handle, not even a clock on the wall or a sponge next to the sink, and what a waste his large backyard is. 6:42 [SPEAKER_00]: OK, now let's go down the seller. 6:47 [SPEAKER_02]: I fixed it up. 6:52 [SPEAKER_02]: I put up all the paneling, and the suspended ceiling. 6:56 [SPEAKER_02]: The shelves I put all this up. 7:00 [SPEAKER_02]: I took a while to do it, it was worth it. 7:04 [SPEAKER_02]: And furnace and I have all my tools and everything in here, that's only so interesting. 7:14 [SPEAKER_02]: Filing cabinet, more junk, more stuff. 7:21 [SPEAKER_02]: Just a little kind of things, storage for winter, boxes of things, the I used to have like 8 or 10 boxes there, I've thrown out and I've only had like 4 or 5, a lot of those are needed. 7:35 [SPEAKER_02]: Here's the cat 5 patch panel and that networks, my computer is the router comes in here, the phone lines, everything, everything works, punching bag, just everything I need. 7:51 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, that about sums it up. 7:54 [SPEAKER_00]: The following is from a use net post, George made back in 1995. 7:58 [SPEAKER_00]: It is the earliest internet presence I was able to find online from George, thread title, Civil War, upheaval, equals bond market collapse, quote, I'm convinced that more drastic action is required to bring the country back to the constitutional order that it was 200 years ago. 8:20 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think any group of political leaders will achieve this for us. 8:25 [SPEAKER_00]: One problem my fear is that any kind of civil war or a large disorder caused by militia action can cause the investors holding the 4.8 trillion dead to panic. 8:36 [SPEAKER_00]: If the dollar becomes worthless, we would have another big problem. 8:40 [SPEAKER_00]: military intervention to quote settled things. 8:44 [SPEAKER_00]: In a time of serious crisis, many people would probably welcome this, which would end up the U.S. would be some type of socialist or communist police state. 8:54 [SPEAKER_00]: Any comments? 8:56 [SPEAKER_00]: The following video was posted by George Soedini. 8:59 [SPEAKER_00]: It is titled, 9:07 [SPEAKER_02]: It is easy for me to hide from my emotions for one more day. 9:11 [SPEAKER_02]: Take a long drive in the car, listen to some music, daydream, or just do some mundane task around the house that really doesn't need to be done. 9:21 [SPEAKER_02]: That's not too important. 9:24 [SPEAKER_02]: And there you go, one more day, and one more day turns into one more year. 9:30 [SPEAKER_02]: Now, RDS says that I have approximately maybe 15 more years to be successful at this, 9:37 [SPEAKER_02]: And when I heard that, I wanted to continue immediately to start moving on this. 9:42 [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't realize I had that much time. 9:46 [SPEAKER_02]: So what my objective is to be real, and to learn to be emotional, and to be able to emotionally connect with people. 9:54 [SPEAKER_02]: Because when I'm 10 to 20 years older than she is, she has to feel good about this thing. 10:02 [SPEAKER_02]: And the only way to around that, 10:06 [SPEAKER_02]: and perhaps stem exercises or the forgiveness exercises as per hair or whatever else. 10:14 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to post this and see what comes back. 10:17 [SPEAKER_00]: George Stodini hosted a website. 10:19 [SPEAKER_00]: The website operated as a place for diary entries. 10:23 [SPEAKER_00]: The following will be quoted directly from the website. 10:26 [SPEAKER_00]: These quotes do not represent the views of your narrator, listener. 10:31 [SPEAKER_00]: date of diary. 10:32 [SPEAKER_00]: 8-4-2009. 10:34 [SPEAKER_00]: Why do this? 10:35 [SPEAKER_00]: To young girls? 10:37 [SPEAKER_00]: Just read below. 10:38 [SPEAKER_00]: I kept to running log that includes my thoughts and actions. 10:42 [SPEAKER_00]: After I saw this project was going to drag on November 5th, 2008, planned to do this in the summer, a figure to stick around to see the election outcome. 10:52 [SPEAKER_00]: This particular one got so much attention. 10:55 [SPEAKER_00]: Now it's just curious, now like I give a flying fuck who won since the exit plan was already planned. 11:02 [SPEAKER_00]: Good luck to Obama. 11:03 [SPEAKER_00]: He will be successful. 11:05 [SPEAKER_00]: The liberal media loves him. 11:07 [SPEAKER_00]: America has chosen the black man. 11:09 [SPEAKER_00]: Good. 11:10 [SPEAKER_00]: In light of this, I got ideas outside of Obama's plan for the economy and such. 11:15 [SPEAKER_00]: Here it is, every black man should get a young white girl hoe to hone up on, and at a reverse and dented servitude thing, and on the go, many older white male landowner had a young black wench for his desires, about time tables were turned on that shit. 11:33 [SPEAKER_00]: Besides, Dem Young White Hose digged a brother's, oh well, more so than they dig the white dudes, 11:40 [SPEAKER_00]: Every daddy knows when he sends his little girl to college. 11:44 [SPEAKER_00]: She'd be bangin' a brother real good. 11:46 [SPEAKER_00]: I saw it. 11:48 [SPEAKER_00]: Quote, not my little girl, Daddy says. 11:51 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, right. 11:52 [SPEAKER_00]: Black dudes have their choice of best white holes. 11:55 [SPEAKER_00]: You do the math. 11:56 [SPEAKER_00]: There are enough young white girls, so all the brothers can have one for three or six months or so. 12:01 [SPEAKER_00]: December 24th, 2008, moving into Christmas again. 12:05 [SPEAKER_00]: No girl friends since 1984. 12:09 [SPEAKER_00]: Last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why? 12:13 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not ugly or too weird. 12:16 [SPEAKER_00]: No sex since July 1990 either. 12:19 [SPEAKER_00]: I was 29. 12:19 [SPEAKER_00]: No shit. 12:21 [SPEAKER_00]: Over 18 years ago. 12:23 [SPEAKER_00]: And did it maybe only 50 to 75 times in my life? 12:27 [SPEAKER_00]: Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things, isolated. 12:32 [SPEAKER_00]: I've extra money, enjoyed traveling too. 12:36 [SPEAKER_00]: I have 25 to 30 days of vacation a year. 12:39 [SPEAKER_00]: LA was the best, but going alone is not fun. 12:42 [SPEAKER_00]: Invited to a party on Christmas Day tomorrow. 12:45 [SPEAKER_00]: Seems about 15 to 25 people won't actually show. 12:48 [SPEAKER_00]: I like her parties. 12:50 [SPEAKER_00]: I can meet new people on talk. 12:52 [SPEAKER_00]: Got the next eight days off. 12:54 [SPEAKER_00]: I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. 12:57 [SPEAKER_00]: I know nothing will change. 12:59 [SPEAKER_00]: No matter how hard I try or what goals I said, December 28th, 2008, glad I stayed around. 13:06 [SPEAKER_00]: All these days offer great. 13:08 [SPEAKER_00]: I will shoot for Tuesday, January 6th, 2009. 13:13 [SPEAKER_00]: That may be 815. 13:14 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a list of to-do items to make. 13:17 [SPEAKER_00]: December 29th, 2008. 13:19 [SPEAKER_00]: Just got back from tanning. 13:21 [SPEAKER_00]: Been doing this for a while. 13:24 [SPEAKER_00]: My elbow is sore again. 13:25 [SPEAKER_00]: I actually look good. 13:27 [SPEAKER_00]: I dress good and clean-shaven. 13:30 [SPEAKER_00]: Babe, touch of colon. 13:32 [SPEAKER_00]: You have 30 million women reject me over an 18 or 25-year period. 13:37 [SPEAKER_00]: That is how I see it. 13:39 [SPEAKER_00]: 30 million in my rough testament of how many desirable single women there are. 13:44 [SPEAKER_00]: A man needs a woman for confidence. 13:46 [SPEAKER_00]: He gets a boost on the job. 13:48 [SPEAKER_00]: Career. 13:49 [SPEAKER_00]: With other men. 13:50 [SPEAKER_00]: And everywhere else, when he knows inside, he has someone to spend the night with, and who is also a friend. 13:56 [SPEAKER_00]: This type of life I see is a closed world, and I'm totally excluded. 14:01 [SPEAKER_00]: Every other guy does this successfully to a degree, flying solo for many years as a destroyer. 14:07 [SPEAKER_00]: Yet many people say, I am easy to get along with. 14:11 [SPEAKER_00]: Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for anything, except for basic courtesy, usually. 14:18 [SPEAKER_00]: Looking back over everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever change I choose. 14:25 [SPEAKER_00]: December 30th, 2008, while driving, I radio surfed to a talk show. 14:31 [SPEAKER_00]: The caller was a 30-ish black man who was describing the despair in certain black communities. 14:36 [SPEAKER_00]: According to him, life is cheap there because you were going to die anyway when you get old. 14:42 [SPEAKER_00]: It is the quality of life that is important, he said. 14:45 [SPEAKER_00]: If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live another 30 crappy years, then die. 14:51 [SPEAKER_00]: His point was, they engage in dangerous behavior, which tends to shorten the lifespan. 14:57 [SPEAKER_00]: To die now, and avoid the next 30 crappy years, the hosts got sarcastic. 15:02 [SPEAKER_00]: and ended the call instead of trying to understand his point. 15:05 [SPEAKER_00]: I put music back on, but it was an interesting and useful point for me to hear. 15:10 [SPEAKER_00]: December 31st, 2008, my anger and rage is largely gone since I began lifting weights, lifting drains me, but I still have energy. 15:21 [SPEAKER_00]: Somebody else suggested running, but that did not help me. 15:24 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess Strenuous Exercise is necessary for a man. 15:27 [SPEAKER_00]: I just learned that now at 48. 15:29 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe 30 years later than I would have liked. 15:32 [SPEAKER_00]: My dad never, not once, talked to me, or asked about my life's details. 15:38 [SPEAKER_00]: And tell me what he knew. 15:40 [SPEAKER_00]: He was just a useless sperm donor. 15:42 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't know why. 15:43 [SPEAKER_00]: Find a fun talking to young kids when I visit someone. 15:46 [SPEAKER_00]: Further was actually counterproductive. 15:49 [SPEAKER_00]: When try to embarrass me or discourage my efforts when pursuing things. 15:53 [SPEAKER_00]: Resolve is I am learning basics by trial and error in my forties followed by discouragement. 16:01 [SPEAKER_00]: Seems odd, but that's true. 16:03 [SPEAKER_00]: Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing to embarrass to tell anyone this. 16:10 [SPEAKER_00]: At almost 50, one is expected to just know these things. 16:14 [SPEAKER_00]: I hope it doesn't snow on Tuesday. 16:17 [SPEAKER_00]: Just thought of that. 16:18 [SPEAKER_00]: The crowd will be thin, so I would postpone, shit. 16:22 [SPEAKER_00]: Now that I'm on the topic of family and people I know, I might as well make a summary of sorts to show where things stand. 16:29 [SPEAKER_00]: This is New Year's Eve. 16:31 [SPEAKER_00]: I have time. 16:32 [SPEAKER_00]: No date tonight, of course. 16:34 [SPEAKER_00]: So, honorable mention, had a last-eyed church in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 16:39 [SPEAKER_00]: Holy shit, religion is a waste. 16:41 [SPEAKER_00]: Pastor Rich Nab teaches and convinced me you can commit mass murder than go to heaven. 16:48 [SPEAKER_00]: Ask him, call him, in any case, guilt and fear kept me there, 13 long years until November 2006. 16:56 [SPEAKER_00]: I think his crap did the most damage. 16:59 [SPEAKER_00]: My mom, the central boss, don't piss her off, or she will be mad and vindictive for years. 17:05 [SPEAKER_00]: She actually thinks she's normal. 17:07 [SPEAKER_00]: Very dominant. 17:09 [SPEAKER_00]: her way and only her way, with no flexibility towards everyone in the household. 17:14 [SPEAKER_00]: A power and control thing, people outside the immediate family like her, while people vicious with their closest ones, she is the boss above all other bosses. 17:25 [SPEAKER_00]: Michael Sadini, a boss, my brother, always the big bully, twice the size of most others. 17:32 [SPEAKER_00]: When he bullied her ass someone, it was the other person who, quote, deserved it. 17:37 [SPEAKER_00]: It was always about him, way too self absorbed too, still is, used to like to embarrass guys in front of their girlfriends, lots of other shit. 17:48 [SPEAKER_00]: Kind of guy you actually love to hate, the biggest most self-centered jack-off I know. 17:53 [SPEAKER_00]: He took those bullying skills into the business world, and is doing good financially. 17:59 [SPEAKER_00]: He is a big wheel only in his mind. 18:02 [SPEAKER_00]: Most people can see through all his manipulation. 18:05 [SPEAKER_00]: He calls only when he wants something. 18:07 [SPEAKER_00]: Sherry, my sister, more of a victim than anything. 18:11 [SPEAKER_00]: Phobes by exercising much control over her adult children, we used to be close until her control of L&D caused conflict, never the same after. 18:21 [SPEAKER_00]: David, nephew, sis' son, good young guy though, Lisa, niece, sister's daughter, attractive, smart, emotional, all good young woman qualities, Andy Polowski, 18:35 [SPEAKER_00]: I have been in bathrooms and church groups, the worst people by far are the religious types, especially a right wing stiff-faced, funny-like Andy, a condescending, demeaning passive-aggressive person, frigid, rigid, linear, and totally inflexible. 18:52 [SPEAKER_00]: Being a very serious person, he cannot hide his frontline face. 18:57 [SPEAKER_00]: He better not try to smile, must his face my crack. 19:00 [SPEAKER_00]: I knew children of parents who grew up in strict religious homes. 19:04 [SPEAKER_00]: Religion has a certain instinct to it of guilt, shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the natural tendencies and desires of a young person. 19:14 [SPEAKER_00]: They're in lies to conflict, young person cannot experiment with things to decide on their own, and establish their own parameters. 19:21 [SPEAKER_00]: So they tend to cut loose and really rebel much more than the average young person. 19:26 [SPEAKER_00]: Ma'an pa, never know what goes on. 19:29 [SPEAKER_00]: They easily be as their parents because they want to believe their little one is an angel and he has a young daughter away at college. 19:36 [SPEAKER_00]: High point university, I saw her picture on his desk. 19:40 [SPEAKER_00]: She's your very basic, attractive young girl. 19:44 [SPEAKER_00]: That's only one thing she can do, because those girls were great when I recall my college years. 19:49 [SPEAKER_00]: She is someone's little hoe now, I am sure. 19:52 [SPEAKER_00]: Another point about Andy, how could someone be cold, vicious, sarcastic, and generally nasty all the time? 19:59 [SPEAKER_00]: And then make the claim about their church life, and how good they are, total hypocritical idiots. 20:05 [SPEAKER_00]: That's it for now. 20:06 [SPEAKER_00]: That felt good. 20:07 [SPEAKER_00]: January 5th, 2009, was at the gym to lift. 20:11 [SPEAKER_00]: Very crowded. 20:13 [SPEAKER_00]: Tomorrow should be good. 20:14 [SPEAKER_00]: There is a woman there that gives me a certain look every time I'm there. 20:19 [SPEAKER_00]: I decided to walk over and make a comment about the crowns, but she left when I finished the exercise. 20:24 [SPEAKER_00]: Better that I do not get a sidetracked from tomorrow's plan anyway, my fist just playing games, one or two dates with her, then the end. 20:33 [SPEAKER_00]: No matter how many changes I try to make, things stay the same. 20:37 [SPEAKER_00]: Every evening I am alone, then I go to bed alone, young women were brutal when I was younger. 20:42 [SPEAKER_00]: Now they aren't as much, probably because they just see me as just another old man. 20:48 [SPEAKER_00]: I see 20 something couples everywhere. 20:50 [SPEAKER_00]: I see a 20-something guy with a nice 20-ish young woman. 20:54 [SPEAKER_00]: I think those years slipped right by me. 20:56 [SPEAKER_00]: Why should I continue another 20-plus years alone? 20:59 [SPEAKER_00]: I will just work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed, alone for the next day of the same thing. 21:08 [SPEAKER_00]: This is the Auschwitz syndrome. 21:09 [SPEAKER_00]: To be in serious pain so long, one thing that is normal, I cannot wait for tomorrow. 21:15 [SPEAKER_00]: January 6th, 2009, I can do this. 21:19 [SPEAKER_00]: Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie. 21:22 [SPEAKER_00]: Just going through the motions, get on a bus, get the car, drive home, I'm mind to screw up anymore. 21:29 [SPEAKER_00]: I cannot concentrate at work. 21:31 [SPEAKER_00]: or thinking, oh, the log is not detailed. 21:34 [SPEAKER_00]: It is only for confidence to do this. 21:36 [SPEAKER_00]: The future holds even less than what I have today. 21:39 [SPEAKER_00]: It is 640pm, about an hour and a half to go. 21:43 [SPEAKER_00]: God have mercy. 21:45 [SPEAKER_00]: I wish life could be better for all than the crazy world can somehow run smoother. 21:50 [SPEAKER_00]: I wish I had answers by update. 21:53 [SPEAKER_00]: It is 845pm. 21:55 [SPEAKER_00]: I chickened out, shit. 22:00 [SPEAKER_00]: Hell, April 24th, 2009. 22:04 [SPEAKER_00]: Early last month, we had our second general layoff. 22:08 [SPEAKER_00]: I survived. 22:09 [SPEAKER_00]: First one was in November. 22:10 [SPEAKER_00]: When I began 10 years ago, that used to be a nice place to work. 22:15 [SPEAKER_00]: I understand the need to reduce staff when times sour, but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at this time. 22:21 [SPEAKER_00]: I predict I won't survive the next layoff. 22:24 [SPEAKER_00]: That is when there is no point to continue. 22:26 [SPEAKER_00]: Right now, 22:28 [SPEAKER_00]: life is bearable, and I can get by indefinitely. 22:32 [SPEAKER_00]: Something bad must happen. 22:34 [SPEAKER_00]: The paycheck is all I have left. 22:36 [SPEAKER_00]: The future holds nothing for me. 22:37 [SPEAKER_00]: 25 years of nothing fun. 22:40 [SPEAKER_00]: I never even spent one weekend with a girl in my life, even at my own place. 22:45 [SPEAKER_00]: Also, 22:46 [SPEAKER_00]: Unlikely to find another similar job, I guess then is when I can take care of things. 22:51 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have kids, close friends or anything. 22:54 [SPEAKER_00]: Just me here, if you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. 22:58 [SPEAKER_00]: I enjoy writing these entries. 23:00 [SPEAKER_00]: I've no plans to go back and edit or even read most of the stuff already written. 23:04 [SPEAKER_00]: May 4th, 2009, I was so eager to do this last year that big problem on my mind now is that my job went soon. 23:13 [SPEAKER_00]: One project is being transitioned to another, the other one I am solely responsible but is being fast-tracked to production. 23:21 [SPEAKER_00]: I estimate maybe a month. 23:22 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not ready for the job market. 23:25 [SPEAKER_00]: I am okay at what I do. 23:26 [SPEAKER_00]: A net software developer. 23:28 [SPEAKER_00]: Not at the top of my class, but I do a good job. 23:32 [SPEAKER_00]: The problem is, I feel too good now to do this, but too bad to enjoy in life. 23:37 [SPEAKER_00]: I know I will never enjoy in life. 23:39 [SPEAKER_00]: This is an over 30-year trend. 23:41 [SPEAKER_00]: Some people are happy. 23:43 [SPEAKER_00]: Some are miserable. 23:44 [SPEAKER_00]: It's difficult to live almost consciously, feeling an undercar of fear. 23:51 [SPEAKER_00]: I can talk and joke around and sound happy, but under it all, it's something different. 23:57 [SPEAKER_00]: That seems unchangeable, and a permanent part of my being. 24:01 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to realize the detail of what I never accomplished in life, and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past. 24:10 [SPEAKER_00]: which it always has been. 24:12 [SPEAKER_00]: I am making a list of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan. 24:17 [SPEAKER_00]: It won't be published. 24:19 [SPEAKER_00]: I always had hope that maybe things will improve, especially if I make big attempts to change my life. 24:24 [SPEAKER_00]: I made many big changes in the past two years, but everything is still the same. 24:29 [SPEAKER_00]: Life is over. 24:31 [SPEAKER_00]: Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed, 24:39 [SPEAKER_00]: I always think I am forgetting something, that's one reason I postpone, similar to when you leave to get in your car to go somewhere. 24:47 [SPEAKER_00]: You hesitate with a thought, what am I forgetting? 24:50 [SPEAKER_00]: In this case, I cannot make a return trip. 24:52 [SPEAKER_00]: I like to write and talk ironic because I haven't met anybody recently, past 30 years, who I want to be close friends with, or who wants to be close friends with me. 25:03 [SPEAKER_00]: I was always open to suggestions. 25:05 [SPEAKER_00]: to what I am doing wrong. 25:07 [SPEAKER_00]: No brother or father, minor useless, or close friend and nudge me, and give it to me blunt or taxful. 25:14 [SPEAKER_00]: What the fuck am I doing wrong? 25:16 [SPEAKER_00]: A personal coach or someone who knows what he is doing would be perfect. 25:20 [SPEAKER_00]: Money is highly secondary for a solution. 25:23 [SPEAKER_00]: May 5th, 2009, the pool of the exit plan off, it pumped into my mind to just use some booze. 25:30 [SPEAKER_00]: I wanna do this before I get laid off. 25:33 [SPEAKER_00]: After the gym, I stopped that shop in safe and got a fifth of vodka in a small bottle of Jack Daniels. 25:40 [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20 years. 25:45 [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter now. 25:46 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to use it to take the edge off. 25:49 [SPEAKER_00]: I will be taking some every now and then to get used to it and see if the alcohol effects won't hold in me. 25:55 [SPEAKER_00]: We'd would be fun to try again. 25:57 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know who has any. 25:59 [SPEAKER_00]: Life is over. 26:00 [SPEAKER_00]: Who cares? 26:02 [SPEAKER_00]: I just need to use common sense. 26:04 [SPEAKER_00]: Can't drink and drive, etc. 26:06 [SPEAKER_00]: This idea just hit me at a point in time, and I immediately acted on it. 26:10 [SPEAKER_00]: The list idea yesterday is working. 26:13 [SPEAKER_00]: I carry it in my wallet and add to it. 26:16 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm feeling too good to carry the sound, but too bad to enjoy anything. 26:20 [SPEAKER_00]: My life's a dilemma. 26:22 [SPEAKER_00]: May 6, 2009. 26:23 [SPEAKER_00]: I started the Jack Daniels 26:28 [SPEAKER_00]: no big deal. 26:30 [SPEAKER_00]: May 7th, 2009. 26:32 [SPEAKER_00]: Went to the gym and did mostly cardio. 26:35 [SPEAKER_00]: My heart rate was 117. 26:37 [SPEAKER_00]: Just from walking on the treadmill at 3.4mph. 26:41 [SPEAKER_00]: This should be done a few times a week. 26:43 [SPEAKER_00]: For maybe 15 minutes or so to keep the hard active. 26:46 [SPEAKER_00]: I sprinted a few times to push the limits. 26:49 [SPEAKER_00]: May 18th, 2009. 26:51 [SPEAKER_00]: I actually had a date today. 26:53 [SPEAKER_00]: It was with a woman I met on the bus and 26:58 [SPEAKER_00]: There are 30 million desirable women in the US, my estimate, and I cannot find one. 27:03 [SPEAKER_00]: Not one of them finds me attractive. 27:06 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm looking at the list I made from May 4th. 27:09 [SPEAKER_00]: I forgot about that for several days. 27:12 [SPEAKER_00]: That tells me where I stand. 27:14 [SPEAKER_00]: These problems have gotten worse over a 30-year period. 27:17 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to expect nothing from me or other people. 27:21 [SPEAKER_00]: All through the years, I thought we had the ability to change ourselves. 27:25 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess that is incorrect. 27:27 [SPEAKER_00]: Looking at the list makes me realize how totally alone I am from all else. 27:33 [SPEAKER_00]: I no longer have any expectations of myself. 27:35 [SPEAKER_00]: I have no options because I cannot work towards and achieve even the smallest schools. 27:41 [SPEAKER_00]: That is above all what bothers me the most. 27:44 [SPEAKER_00]: Not to be able to work towards what I want in my life. 27:47 [SPEAKER_00]: I believe I deserve that. 27:48 [SPEAKER_00]: I read recently. 27:50 [SPEAKER_00]: It is called self-efficiency. 27:52 [SPEAKER_00]: Who knows? 27:53 [SPEAKER_00]: Is that more psychobabble? 27:55 [SPEAKER_00]: May 25th, 2009. 27:57 [SPEAKER_00]: I was invited to a picnic. 27:59 [SPEAKER_00]: And I went in an older woman there. 28:01 [SPEAKER_00]: Out of the blue. 28:02 [SPEAKER_00]: Asked if I liked high school. 28:03 [SPEAKER_00]: Then quickly asked if I was picked on very much. 28:06 [SPEAKER_00]: Interesting why she would ask that. 28:08 [SPEAKER_00]: But thanks. 28:09 [SPEAKER_00]: I already know what the problem is. 28:11 [SPEAKER_00]: But a solution it leads me. 28:13 [SPEAKER_00]: June 5th, 2009, I was reading several posts on a different forum, and it seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. 28:21 [SPEAKER_00]: 116 year old doesn't usually three times a day with their boyfriend, so after a month of that, this little hoe has had more sex than me in my life, and I am 48, one more reason, thanks for not a bitch's, bye! 28:36 [SPEAKER_00]: July 20th, 2009, been a long time since last rain, everything still sucks, but I got a promotion in a race, even in this shitty Obama economy. 28:47 [SPEAKER_00]: No more grunt programming, go figure, new boss is great, he tactfully says when you did something wrong, or compliments on good things, never confused with him. 28:58 [SPEAKER_00]: But that is not what I win, wife. 29:01 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. 29:04 [SPEAKER_00]: I have slept alone for over 20 years. 29:07 [SPEAKER_00]: But as time I slept all night with a girlfriend, it was 1982. 29:10 [SPEAKER_00]: Groove, I am a total malfunction. 29:14 [SPEAKER_00]: Girls and women don't even give me a second look. 29:17 [SPEAKER_00]: Anywhere, there's something blatantly wrong with me that no goddamn person will tell me what it is. 29:24 [SPEAKER_00]: Every person just wants to be fucking nice 29:28 [SPEAKER_00]: Flattery. 29:30 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah. 29:31 [SPEAKER_00]: I am sure you can get a day any time. 29:33 [SPEAKER_00]: You look good, et cetera. 29:35 [SPEAKER_00]: Pussy's. 29:36 [SPEAKER_00]: I can just start being self-righteous and say I live a good clean life. 29:40 [SPEAKER_00]: I am holy. 29:42 [SPEAKER_00]: That's all Pastor Rick Napstuff. 29:44 [SPEAKER_00]: Here that you mother fucker. 29:46 [SPEAKER_00]: I am just good July 23rd 2009. 29:48 [SPEAKER_00]: Wow. 29:49 [SPEAKER_00]: I just looked out my front window and saw a beautiful college age girl leaves Bob Fox's house. 29:56 [SPEAKER_00]: Across the street, I guess he got a good late today. 30:00 [SPEAKER_00]: College girls are hosts. 30:02 [SPEAKER_00]: I am masturbate frequently. 30:04 [SPEAKER_00]: He is about 45 years old. 30:06 [SPEAKER_00]: She was long-haired, hot little hotty with a beautiful bond. 30:10 [SPEAKER_00]: I am masturbate frequently. 30:12 [SPEAKER_00]: Some were simply meant to walk a lonely path in life. 30:16 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't usually look out, but just happened to notice. 30:19 [SPEAKER_00]: Holy fuck, I have masturbated since age 13. 30:22 [SPEAKER_00]: I wish I could go back to 1975 and fix things. 30:26 [SPEAKER_00]: Aw, that won't work. 30:28 [SPEAKER_00]: Big Bully brother would have served his bullshit. 30:31 [SPEAKER_00]: He was twice my size. 30:33 [SPEAKER_00]: He never messed with guys bigger than 5-10 or so. 30:36 [SPEAKER_00]: He is a pussy at heart. 30:38 [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, Michael was my brother, and he is still a boss. 30:42 [SPEAKER_00]: Repetition only for emphasis. 30:44 [SPEAKER_00]: He is only a bully, even at 50-ish. 30:47 [SPEAKER_00]: Never forget that. 30:48 [SPEAKER_00]: Because he exudes confidence, people believe bullshit if it's delivered with confidence, get it? 30:55 [SPEAKER_00]: On the same thought, things occurred to me today. 30:58 [SPEAKER_00]: Michael never had an attractive girlfriend, Debbie, Barb, Kim, then I lost track. 31:04 [SPEAKER_00]: He married a Chinese descent petite woman, with no body, no ass, no chest, no personality. 31:11 [SPEAKER_00]: She never laughs her smiles, neither does he, but she is highly intelligent, an excellent cook. 31:17 [SPEAKER_00]: I can testify to that. 31:19 [SPEAKER_00]: She homebakes her own delicious wheat bread. 31:22 [SPEAKER_00]: Who cares about that type of small pool crap? 31:25 [SPEAKER_00]: Mike even mentioned, when we were visiting Dad, that quote, she's not very attractive. 31:31 [SPEAKER_00]: All gets second, 2009. 31:33 [SPEAKER_00]: The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends, but not being able to achieve and acquire what I desire in those are many other areas. 31:42 [SPEAKER_00]: everything stays the same regardless of the effort I put in. 31:46 [SPEAKER_00]: If I had control over my life, then I would be happier. 31:49 [SPEAKER_00]: But for about the past 30 years, I have not. 31:52 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you know what that feels like to run in place? 31:55 [SPEAKER_00]: The scenery doesn't change. 31:57 [SPEAKER_00]: The same thing every day. 31:58 [SPEAKER_00]: The lines blur and you start to forget what's real and what's not. 32:03 [SPEAKER_00]: August 3rd, 2009, I took off today, 32:12 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to work out every detail. 32:14 [SPEAKER_00]: There's only one shot. 32:16 [SPEAKER_00]: Also, I need to be completely immersed into something before I can be successful. 32:21 [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't had a drink since Friday. 32:23 [SPEAKER_00]: At about 230, total effort needed. 32:27 [SPEAKER_00]: Was that about a bottle of tea? 32:28 [SPEAKER_00]: And tomorrow is the big day. 32:31 [SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, I talked to my neighbor today. 32:33 [SPEAKER_00]: Who's very positive and upbeat? 32:36 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to remain focused and absorbed completely. 32:39 [SPEAKER_00]: I need to hate. 32:40 [SPEAKER_00]: Last time I tried this in January, I chickened out. 32:44 [SPEAKER_00]: Let's see how this new approach works. 32:46 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe soon I will see God in Jesus. 32:49 [SPEAKER_00]: At least that is what I was told. 32:51 [SPEAKER_00]: A term life does not depend on works. 32:54 [SPEAKER_00]: If it did, we would all be in hell. 32:56 [SPEAKER_00]: Christ paid for every sin. 32:58 [SPEAKER_00]: So how can I or you be judged by God for sin when the penalty was already paid? 33:03 [SPEAKER_00]: People judge, but that does not matter. 33:06 [SPEAKER_00]: I was reading the Bible and the integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them. 33:12 [SPEAKER_00]: I will try not to add any more entries, because this computer clicking distracts me. 33:18 [SPEAKER_00]: In besides, I can't tell what is real anymore. 33:21 [SPEAKER_00]: Also, any of the practice papers left on my coffee table I used, are the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. 33:29 [SPEAKER_00]: I will not be embarrassed because, well, I will be dead. 33:33 [SPEAKER_00]: Some people like to study that stuff. 33:36 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe all of this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others. 33:46 [SPEAKER_00]: Signing off, George Sedini. 33:56 [SPEAKER_00]: Listener, on the morning of August 4th, 2009, George Alfred Sedini woke up in his modest townhouse. 34:04 [SPEAKER_00]: He had taken the day off from his job as a systems analyst at the wall firm, K&L Gates. 34:10 [SPEAKER_00]: He announced his plan in an online journal the night before, writing that he would spend the day practicing his routine, making sure it was well polished. 34:18 [SPEAKER_00]: He needed to work out every detail. 34:21 [SPEAKER_00]: There was only one shot at this. 34:23 [SPEAKER_00]: by 11 a.m. 34:24 [SPEAKER_00]: So the idea was back at the L.A. 34:26 [SPEAKER_00]: Fitness Center, about a 15 minute drive from his home. 34:29 [SPEAKER_00]: It'd been a regular member there for months, blending in among the hundreds of people came and went each day. 34:36 [SPEAKER_00]: He looked like anyone else. 34:38 [SPEAKER_00]: This visit was different. 34:40 [SPEAKER_00]: He walked through the facility, timing the Latin impact dance class that met on Tuesday evenings. 34:46 [SPEAKER_00]: In the large aerobic studio, he observed the way out of the room, the positioning of the emergency exit, the lighting controls near the front. 34:55 [SPEAKER_00]: in the flow of bodies during the high-energy routine. 34:58 [SPEAKER_00]: He rehearsed his movements in mind, perhaps even pacing the space when it was empty between classes. 35:05 [SPEAKER_00]: He wanted everything to be perfect. 35:08 [SPEAKER_00]: No mistakes this time. 35:10 [SPEAKER_00]: He had shook him down once before, back in January. 35:13 [SPEAKER_00]: When the same class had been in session, so Dini left the class after his morning reconnaissance, return home. 35:20 [SPEAKER_00]: He spent the afternoon alone, as he always did, in the small, sterile space he called home. 35:28 [SPEAKER_00]: He checked his black-duffle bag one last time, inside were four handguns, he'd legally purchased over the previous months, two nine millimeter glocks, 17 semi-automatic pistols. 35:39 [SPEAKER_00]: each loaded with 30 round magazines, a 45th caliber revolver, and a 32 caliber semi-automatic pistol. 35:48 [SPEAKER_00]: He had practiced with him at local ranges. 35:50 [SPEAKER_00]: He added several extra loaded magazines and a handwritten note, expressing his long simmering rage at women, and the wife he felt he had rejected him. 36:00 [SPEAKER_00]: In his mind, this was the prelude to the final act of a man who had been invisible 36:07 [SPEAKER_00]: George had spent the last few months drinking a bottle of vodka daily. 36:12 [SPEAKER_00]: His reality was starting to collapse in on itself. 36:16 [SPEAKER_00]: As evening approached, so Dini changed into his workout clones, black pants, a black jacket, and a black headband to hold back his receding hair. 36:26 [SPEAKER_00]: He drove back to a late fitness center. 36:28 [SPEAKER_00]: Arriving just before APM, the Latin Impact class was about to begin, about 22 to 30 women, ranging in age from their teens to their 50s, had gathered in the brightly lit studio. 36:41 [SPEAKER_00]: The instructor, a pregnant woman in her 30s, was leading the group through upbeat, Latin dance moves, set to loud rhythmic music, the room filled with energy and laughter. 36:53 [SPEAKER_00]: So Dini parked his car in the lawn and at approximately 7.45 pm made a brief cell phone called to his mother from outside the building. 37:03 [SPEAKER_00]: Police would later learn the call lasted only a minute or two. 37:06 [SPEAKER_00]: He sounded distraught though the content of the conversation remains unknown to the public. 37:13 [SPEAKER_00]: He hung up, grabbed his duffle bag, and walked into the gym, as if he were any other member, arriving for an evening workout. 37:22 [SPEAKER_00]: He moved calmly through the main area, past the treadmills and weight machines, and straight towards the aerobic studio. 37:29 [SPEAKER_00]: Now, when paid him much attention, he was just another guy in workout here. 37:33 [SPEAKER_00]: He stepped into the room at the back, near the door, and paused for a moment. 37:38 [SPEAKER_00]: The class was in full swing, women were moving in sync, facing the mirrored front wall. 37:44 [SPEAKER_00]: So Dini walked to the front of the studio. 37:47 [SPEAKER_00]: He set the duffle bag down on the floor near a treadmill. 37:50 [SPEAKER_00]: Without a word, he reached up and flipped the light switch, plunging the entire room into near total darkness. 37:59 [SPEAKER_00]: The music continued to blur, but the sudden blackout caused a ripple of confusion and noise in the dim glow from the emergency exit signs in the faint light seeping under the door. 38:11 [SPEAKER_00]: So Dini reached into the back. 38:13 [SPEAKER_00]: He pulled out the two loaded glock nine millimeter pistols. 38:17 [SPEAKER_00]: He raised them in open fire. 38:19 [SPEAKER_00]: The first shots ring out at around 815 p.m. 38:23 [SPEAKER_00]: The popping sounds echoed sharply off the walls, as muzzle flashes lit up the darkness like strobe lights. 38:31 [SPEAKER_00]: So, Dini, denying you how or make demands, he simply began shooting methodically, walking slowly up and down the rows of women. 38:40 [SPEAKER_00]: He fired at close range, aiming low into the crowd as they drop to the floor, are scrambled for cover. 38:46 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, it's tore through the air, shattering mirrors, punching into bodies, and ricocheting off equipment, shell casings clattered across the wooden floor, panic erupted instantly. 38:58 [SPEAKER_00]: Women screamed and dove for the emergency exit at the back of the room. 39:02 [SPEAKER_00]: Some crawled under the treadmills are behind exercise bikes. 39:06 [SPEAKER_00]: Others played dead, lying motionless and pools of blood as the gunfire continued. 39:12 [SPEAKER_00]: The instructor hit multiple times, collapsed near the front. 39:16 [SPEAKER_00]: A 14-year-old girl named Jordan Solomon, who had been in class, later recalled turning around and seeing Sodini, holding a gun after the lights went out. 39:26 [SPEAKER_00]: She dropped to the floor and stayed there. 39:28 [SPEAKER_00]: So Dini kept firing, he moved deliberately through the space, sweeping the pistols from left to right, and back again, methodically. 39:37 [SPEAKER_00]: He fired 52 rounds in total from the two blocks. 39:41 [SPEAKER_00]: Never pausing to reload, even though extra magazines weren't in the bag. 39:46 [SPEAKER_00]: The barrage lasted less than two minutes, but it felt like an eternity to those trapped inside. 39:51 [SPEAKER_00]: Blood sprayed across the walls and floor. 39:54 [SPEAKER_00]: The air filled with the accurate smell of gunpowder and the sounds of moans and cries. 39:59 [SPEAKER_00]: When the glocks were empty, Sadini stopped, the room fell into a stunned chaotic silence, broken only by the continuing music, and cries of the wounded. 40:09 [SPEAKER_00]: He reeds back into the bag and pulled out a 45th caliber revolver. 40:14 [SPEAKER_00]: He placed the barrel against his head and he pulled the trigger. 40:18 [SPEAKER_00]: His body crumpled to the floor near the Duffel bag. 40:22 [SPEAKER_00]: An unused 32 caliber pistol still in his pocket. 40:26 [SPEAKER_00]: Emergency calls flooded 911 within seconds. 40:30 [SPEAKER_00]: The first responder arriving to the scene of horror. 40:33 [SPEAKER_00]: Blood soaked the studio floor. 40:35 [SPEAKER_00]: 12 women had been shot. 40:37 [SPEAKER_00]: Three were dead. 40:39 [SPEAKER_00]: Heidi Overmair, 46, a mother. 40:42 [SPEAKER_00]: Elizabeth Gannon, 49, Radiologist. 40:46 [SPEAKER_00]: In Jodi Billingsley, 37, a sales representative, nine others were wounded, some critically, including the pregnant instructor who would survive after emergency surgery, or baby survived. 40:59 [SPEAKER_00]: So Dini, my dad amongst his victims, is final act complete.
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